Thursday, November 25, 2004

litany about getting ready, getting old, and getting a life
jeepney strike today... and it was my paralec exam... being my paranoid self, i left the house extra early, like 8:30, when my class isn't until 11:20. i thought i was gonna have a hard time hailing buses and puj's, but no, quite the opposite. there were few people travelling, because most of the schools cancelled classes for today (ugh, so typical of dlsu... having classes while the whole world goes back to bed and sleep the whole day off... ugh). traffic was fast moving, lrt wasn't packed with people, so i reached school at 9:00... great, 2 hours to kill... i should have used those 2 hours to cram for my paralec exam, but it seemed i wasn't to conform to propriety today. i chatted and chatted with every person who sat down across or next to me in the bench along sj. ha, just can't stop my mouth. it must have spewed 400 words a minute. must have been cool, if it wasn't for the exam.


exam was... not that hard... i have 10 blanks... wehehehe... if i had been a more diligent student and not doze off during the lectures, it would have been chicken shit. but as it is, the exam was okay. quite confusing, but i'm quite sure i won't flunk. but then again i won't be having a high score. heck there's still an exam next week... i'll study for that one, promise.


i'm missing sulfur... potassium sitting next to me wasn't able to quench the longing to see sulfur (ha, i'm way over that effeminate look-at-me-i-have-a-girlfriend-and-we-look-so-cute-together guy)... the exam wasn't able to keep my mind off him even for one minute... he was in the library this afternoon (like he stays in any other place, duh)... poor thing... he shouldn't be left by himself... aww... kung ba kasi pinapansin mo ko... haaay...


i should be preparing for our thesis defense instead of writing nonsense here... but hey, reality hasn't washed over me yet... i just haven't realized the enormity of the event just now... maybe later... i'll face reality later... right now, i'll moan and yearn for sulfur... haaay....


i'm getting fat. i really am. my mother said it's normal cuz i'm already leaving the sunny realms of teenagehood... soon i'll be 20, which is socially considered adult... things are going way too fast... i've barely adjusted to college, yet now, they're forcing me to adjust to being an adult, getting a life, facing medschool, and worst of all, gaining inches around the waist and hips (hey, how bout the bust? why d'ya have to leave the bust behind? not fair!).


face it may, you're getting old... so grow up already. you can't let your whole life pass you by.


great, i'm 19, yet i have the mental and emotional maturity of a 14 year old, a very giggly and shallow one at that. argh..


lines by chantal kreva---- (can't spell the last name, but she's the same girl who sang the ost fo armageddon)

i look at the mirror
and the world's getting clearer
i take what you give me
please know that i'm learning
so wait for me this time....



the truth is... that the "big moment" is a lie perpetuated by panic stricken poets... the "big moment" does noe exist... if it does, then maybe it just passes you by without you being aware of it... i've spent hours biting finger nails and cowering behind the curtain, waiting for the "big moment" but it never came. so i've learned that whenever something's big is gonna happen (for instance, our thesis defese) all i have to do is get ready and do my thing when the moment calls for it... gather my wits and my guts, walk in there and just do my thing.

that's just what i'm gonna do tomorrow.

right now, i'm going to get ready... err... maybe a little later...

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at11/25/2004

Saturday, November 20, 2004

everything's clear now..... i think
amenorrhea's threatened to visit me this month...

see, i've been subjected to so much stress lately, my circadian rhythm's totally gone awry. i've already gone days without so much as 3 hours of sleep, and the coming days do not promise sunny smiles and flowers. oh man, this feels good. people have been commenting on my eyebags and pimples. still got deadlines to meet. and worst of all, i still haven't received my admission slip for nmat. i've been fretting bout that eversince i heard all of our other classmates got theirs already... my whole future lies on that mail, damn it.

y'know what? going to college has ruined the whole point of getting an education, that is to hone the skills and potentials of an individual; to polish all the facets of the personality and make a person more human; to promote a healthy balance of intellect and sympathy to the whole of human race.

just look at students now. 'to mismo pruweba.

a bunch of suckers whose sole purpose is to pass, get a job, and maybe get rich, no matter what. to hell with principles. hindi makakain yun.

yeah, idealism and integrity are in short supply nowadays....

sad, really fucking depressing... sila ang may hawak ng kinabukasan ng ating bansa... but then again, pangarap ng karamihan sa kanila ang mag-migrate sa ibang bansa. oh well, di sila kawalan. good riddance.

for no apparent reason, i feel like cussing now, so...

fuck bush.
fuck america, and their "divine" mission to "bring peace and justice" to all. it's repulsive, the way they cover up for the things they have done to iraq.
fuck the cojuangco's. isang piraso ng papel kapalit ng lupang minana pa ng mga katutubo sa mga ninuno nila. cronies. sige lamunin nyo mga lupa nyo. tangina kayo.
fuck all the elites. hindi ako naniniwalang karapat-dapat kayong mabuhay ng ganyan kasarap. i bet most of you got all that wealth out of kissing the balls of those in power. panghe tuloy ng mga hininga nyo.

tama nga si marx. ang yaman ng bansa ay umiikot lang sa kamay ng kakaunting tao.

totoo ba ito? i'm a budding socialist! i think im'a start wearing a che guevarrA shirt. wehehehe...

gusto kong gumawa ng survey. tatanungin ko lahat ng makakasalubong ko na naka-che guevarra shirt kung kilala nila yun at kung ano ang contribution nya sa bansa nya. o kaya yung mga naka-bob marley na shirts. tanong ko lang sa kanila kung sino yung lalaki sa shirt, anong genre ng music ang pinasikat nya, anong relihiyon ang itinatag nya, sino/ano ang sinasamba nya, at kung di makasagot, kung ano ang dahilan ng taong may suot ng shirt kung bakit nya yun suot. whew, haba nun. o kaya yung mga mahilig sa marijuana shirts/accessories... anong scientific name ska physiological effects ng paghithit nun... but that's too farfetched already.

hey, this blog thing really is good therapy. i'll cancel my plans to go to the couselor and scream "ayoko na mabuhay magpapakamatay na ko" in one breathless sentence. that's bound to ruin my chances of graduating next term. wehehehe....

i'm gonna change my first statement:

nervous breakdown na 'to.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at11/20/2004

Sunday, November 14, 2004

and i thought fridays were fun
8 am. interview at ust. it ruined my day.


5:30 pm. consultation for thesis. made me wish i were dead.


but that was two days ago. it's a sunday now, and i'm okay.


years from now, i'm going to be proud just thinking about november of the year 2004. it's an achievement in itself, you know. so that when i'm already in med school burning my ass off studying and things get pretty dry and hopeless, i'll go back to that particular place in time and say, "hey, i was 19 then and i got through that hell. i'm 2_ now and this is all going to be chicken shit."


i want to thank dr. claveria for making me a tougher person. she will be a constant reminder for me not to settle on mediocre work.


she was a darling compared to the man who interviewed me in ust. ugh! play the devil's advocate will ya... i almost blurted out, "oo na! di na ko tutuloy sa med! let's end this shit cuz it's pointless."


huh! maybe if i haven't gone through dr. claveria's sermons, i would have broken down in front of that man.

now. just a preview of what i have to go through these coming weeks:

nov. 16 translation project in filipi
nov. 19 test in embryology; quiz in philhis
nov. 21 test in physiology
nov. 24 research project in philhis
nov. 26 THESIS DEFENSE

i didn't include the minor things in that list, like the lab reports and stuff.

hmm... where is my life going to? i'm losing my direction again... gotta go back to those self-help, inspirational books... and i'm back to square one... argh...

i wanna thank the people responsible for the medical malpractice bill for making my life harder... yeah, you're a real life saver you know. maghanap kayo ngayon ng doktor nyo.

puta... and it's elite, 100 points, peasants, 0. salamat. salamat ng marami. i hate you all for it.

pag nakasalubong ko kayo sa daan, duduraan ko ang lupang aapakan nyo. ganyan ko kayo nirerespeto.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at11/14/2004

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

finally! an entry!
this morning, rr gave us a full blow-by-blow account 'bout the problem they're having regarding her sister, who is currently in med school... (people might say 'so what else is new? rr's always talking, duh...' I just have to write this one because it raised underlying questions in my psyche.) her sister's in her 4th year in med school, quite a large chunk of her adult life has been spent already, and now, she wants to quit...such a loss... i know it's none of my busines... it's just hard to overlook.. quite distrubing, especially when you see rr's eyes beginning to water when she's telling the story. yeah, those kinds of problems really can disrupt your equilibrium.

that story set off an alarm in my otherwise passive consciousness. is my enthusiasm now enough to last me my whole stay in med school? is my idealism and enthusiasm in this field enough fuel get me through? up til now, i am being motivated by my childhood dream of becoming a doctor... what if that is only a silly whim brought about by my naive and narrow view of life? i know medicine is a noble and timeless profession, but am i really ready for the sacrifice that entails pursuing it? will achieving that dream bring me hapiness in the future? once i've crossed the line, there is no turning back. i'm afraid that i will come to the realization that this is not for me, but i can't go back so i will be forced to finish the race.

quite a barrage of questions, i know... and i've no answer in mind to all of them. the answer lies to knowing your self... and if you've read my past blogs, you will come to the conclusion that this girl is one lost soul... no clue about her own self.

gee... my interview in ust is fast approaching... should i go? argh...

to add to my trouble, the ecg in labphys has shown that i have an abnormal heart rate... (i'm not about to give the specifics and prattle on and on about p waves and all those stuff... i don't understand them myself.) great, just great.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at11/09/2004

Monday, November 01, 2004

school and theme parks: an analogy
my mail's taking an extra long time to upload pics, i have nothing to do online, so i'm killing time by writing here... i've had a quick episode of industriousness... i finished eveverything i had to do this long weekend... labeling pics, revising our methodology, reading for philhis, looking for sites about twins... but there's still lots more to do... just thinking of reading assignments make me vomit.

just been to ek... rode the dreaded space shuttle, wheel of fate and log jam... i hate being at the mercy of gravity... i hate being thrown around and not being in control. imagine the terror of being slowly hoisted up and waiting for it to all go down. i don't mind the speed, it's just that i'm afraid of heights...

can you believe i was thinking about semi-circular canals while i was in those rides?

space shuttle and log jam were tolerable... i was able to fight down the panic attack that plagued me while i was up there... wheel of fate was terrifying... i really freaked out... my friend who were in the same car/ride as i was all laughed at me and threatened to pull the circular bar that makes the car swing around... i shouted and cursed all of them, which made them laugh some more... even the strangers in the next cars were laughing at me... well, at least i won't see them again, the strangers, not my friends. i made a promise to myself that i won't ride that blasted thing again. heck, i'll trade 10 rides in the anchors away (even if they make it go 360 degrees), just don't make me ride the wheel of fortune.

i admit i'm a poor scientist... my ideas come in snippets, most of the time, incoherent... i'm not good at analyzing things... i'm having a hard time constructing a logical, superfluous, explanatory paper... thus, incurring the wrath of our thesis adviser... argh... can't help it... i'm a person of few words... i don't even like to talk, and i have to make four reports and get ready for our thesis defense... hell... seriously...

one thing shared by school and rides: they kill you slowly, making you wait in terror and silent suffering...

i wish i could just close my eyes now and when i open them the blow is over, just like what i did in ek.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at11/01/2004 3 days
it's been quite a while since i last posted... been quite busy these past few days, and the suceeding days promise worse things than what i'm experiencing right now... my multivitamins isn't helping... i'm in need of a non-stop adrenaline rush... seriously... may kilala ba kayong pusher? kasi parang gusto ko na mag-shabu... wehehehe....

despite of the drained feeling, i'm quite happy...

we have no classes today... but that is not to be a source of joy, since i have tons of school work to finish... hmmm... having that familiar feeling of regret again... why did i not finish my tasks yesterday or the day before that? i should have exercised self-control.

last saturday...
went to ek with my hs friends... nikko's gf was with us, and boy, she does look like me... pero kung gaano ako ka-demure, ganun sya ka-harot... parang kiti-kiti... sobra... talon ng talon at panay ang epal sa picture taking... the troop was, as usual, rowdy. aww, i missed them so much...

yesterday (sunday)
we went to megamall... my little cousins and nephews went trick or treating there... they wore costumes and they all look so cute...

this is getting stupid. i have nothing to say.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at11/01/2004