Friday, January 28, 2005

gray skies
it was a sullen morning... the sky was overcast, the wind was chilly, and the waves are too strong for a swim. for some reason, i have to go to the sea because my ex said he wanted to see something. we swam until we were so far out that i could barely see the shore. all around, i could see blue water, gray boulders, and the gray sky above. i was feeling scared because the water's so deep, but i continued to swim because he wanted to and i wanted to go with him. the boulders looked threatening and beautiful at the same time. i ignored the fact that we could crash into them because of the waves. we swam and swam, and in the distance, we saw a whale (i don't know what kind) breaching... such a magnificent creature. i was ecstatic then.


never have i felt fear interspersed with serenity... fear because of the dangers i know i was facing then... serenity brought about by seeing the splendor that was the sea, and being with the only man i loved. i think its a mixture that could only exist in dreams. you see, that was my most beautiful dream so far. it occured to me last year, but i got down to thinking about it just now.


does any one of my readers (yeah, the 3? 4? 5? of you) know how to interpret dreams?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i bought myself a copy of purpose driven life... i've been meaning to buy myself one eversince i saw it in the bookstore, i just had doubts as to the practicality of buying it when i know that i never really finish reading books from the same genre. i bought chicken soup for the soul last year and i've only been through half of the book. my last year's copy of journey (daily bread for students), i only read until march. i just like to buy shit because its fun to shop; it's where i get my dose of exhiliration. anyway, pdl fell short of my expectations... yeah, it does strike a chord once in a while, but it isn't as inspiring as the blurbs say it is. it contains wisdom, but that you could also find in other books... em on my third chapter now... i still have 37 more chapters to read and reflect on... i already feel it's a drag, but em gonna stick 'til the end. i'm trying to form a habit of finishing what i've started... who knows, it might change my life if i stick up to the last chapter.


i'm neither discouraging those who want to buy the book nor trying to put down those who have already bought one and have enjoyed reading it. it's just that i'm getting quite jaded because i've read all those messages found in pdl in some other books.



Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/28/2005

Sunday, January 23, 2005

new post for the new template
i changed my template but it still looks an awgul lot like my past ones... i terribly, terribly have to get out of this box... i have to free my mind.


but truth is, i like this template best. i think i'm going to keep this for a while.



Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/23/2005

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

musings
i don't want to be the fluffy but otherwise defenseles bunny anymore. i want to be the hideous-looking porcupine that would put up a fight no matter how big the threat may be.


i'm saying this because i have no skills whatsoever concerning self-preservation. it's a jungle out there and i don't know how to take care of myself. simply put, i don't know how to be assertive.


hey predators, free meal here.







Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/19/2005

Monday, January 17, 2005

the psycho
Thanks to the field of psychology, I now have a name for my current behavior: defense mechanisms. Yeah, i know calling it by some fancy name does not solve anything, yet it's a start... I've heard somewhere that aknowledging the problem is the first step in solving it.



Man , i really need help... this has been going on for such a long time... this cannot be called a phase anymore... it isn't healthy... i think i'm regressing... ugh, totally messed up. gotta get rid of deeply rooted anger and anxiety before they get the best of me... come to think of it, they already have...



To give you an idea of what's going on, I'm experiencing withdrawal reactions from past hurts... I've been having the "suffering hero" mechanism... I've always thought of myself as the poor vicitim, a lost soul, or more aptly called, a loser, even when i've accomplished something. I've also become a nomad; i'm constantly on the run from situations which might make me emotionally vulnerable... i hate exposing myself raw. i've been avoiding my old friends, because they can't seem to get the hint that i don't want to hear things about "him". y'know, what really irks me is that they always associate my name with the guy... we've broken up years ago, for god's sake. i have a life of my own, a life without him on it, and i am my own person, can they not see that? not that we're enemies or something... but i just don't understand why they have to give me a quick update about what's going on with the guy's life without asking if i bother to hear or not. we're not extensions of each other, hope they respect that.



that's quite a lot... good thing none of them care enough to visit my blog, except for maybe one or two whom i won't name... they know themselves.



anyway, back to my psychological state... it seems that i've also resorted to sour-graping for quite some time (friend: hey, do you still love him? me: uhm.. i guess not... em quite happy we broke up cuz things are better now. he never was right for me.) sinungaling talaga ko. this also goes with my reaction about potassium... weheheheh... but he still does not have the balls.... wehehehehe...



Hey , if you have friends who are majoring on psychology, tell them that this girl here is a perfect subject for a case analysis... something with the title "the progression of neurosis" or "psychosis in its earliest stage."



Tell me i'm not the only one who is experiencing this.





Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/17/2005

Sunday, January 16, 2005

TEST
i am updating just for the sake of keeping this blog alive and kicking...

so i've heard a while ago that dlsu med school is dying a slow death... it figures... didn't you know that they require humbio students to pay 10,000 as downpayment (non-refundalble) for medschool once they have reached their last term in the main university? another fact is that whereas most med schools stop receiving applicants around january, dlsu dasma accepts students until may... talk about desperation... blame it on the location... like, who would want to study in the province when you're already in the city?

hope they relocate...


Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/16/2005

Thursday, January 06, 2005

the perfect serenade

Save your eyes

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/06/2005

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

may of la mancha


i can feel it now encapsulating me, possessing my body like some spirit born out of hell... the shortness of breath, the spinning of the world around me... rendering all my senses null and robbing me of all reason... i have lost control over my body...
it's always been like this.
please let this madness stop.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/05/2005

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

cute cute
for quite some time now, i've carried this attitude/philosophy that i do not have to be good or even try to do good things because i do not owe the world anything... but with this little guy in it... i think it's worth a try...







Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/04/2005

Sunday, January 02, 2005

'tis not my fault really....
fast fact: my mother never said "i love you" to us. not once, not ever. and i don't think she'll ever have the initiative to do so.

that doesn't mean she does not love us. if you could just see how she tends to us at home... just see how i grew up to be a spoiled brat... she's not a cold and distant type of person, she just does not know how to convey her feelings... she considers that "kadramahan".

maybe she's like that because she grew up not having a mother. her father died while she was still a baby and her mother re-married and left her children from her first husband to a relative. my mother's eyes turn a little bit moist everytime she relates that story.

'em saying all this as an explanation (to myself more than anyone else) for my uncaring, cold personality. i never cherished the people around me. in the subcoscious level, i do care for them, i just don't know how to show it. you see, it's a cycle.

in the future, i', going to regret this path i chose, but that's in the future. i'll change when i feel like it.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/02/2005

Saturday, January 01, 2005

first ever post for the year 2005
i wonder what this year has in store for us...

for one thing... we'll all be turning 20... yikes! tell me why am i feeling dread and remorse over this?

we're gonna graduate... hopefully...

it's either med school or graduate studies for us after this term...

looks like this year promises a lot of turning points and crossroads... so... good luck to us all!!! yey to the new year, new experiences, new opportunities, new people, and whatever that happens to stumble along our path this year.


funny why some people have to make second friendster accounts only to add friends that are already in their first accounts... it totally ruins the sole purpose of making a second account, that is, to make room for new people...

pero buhay nila yun, may... get a life... ugh.




Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at1/01/2005