Friday, December 31, 2004

*whistles*
i've just been promoted from being worthless to pathetic... in civilization III that is...

ain't it grand? i'm such a loser.... but it doesn't matter because it still is some improvement...


Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/31/2004

Thursday, December 30, 2004

swhswh
feels like...

i'm sitting lazily on a bench, alone, while the whole world passes me by.

can't let this go on, can i?

so i'ma wait 'til the bench grows its own wheels so that i would be free to move.


Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/30/2004

Monday, December 27, 2004

8.9
earthquake in indonesia... 'tis reportedly the strongest quake to rock the world in 40 years... 8.9 in the richter scale...

intensity 7 pulverized our country... ano na lang kaya nangyari sa kanila dun sa indonesia...
tsunamis in the neighboring SE countries...

thousands dead...

hundreds, if not thousands, are missing...

and to think that in our own country, typhoon victims haven't recovered yet...

i can clearly hear obssessive spiritual leaders talking in my head... adressing his/her members...

"tribulations! the second coming is near! turn from your evil ways and return to the merciful and loving arms of..."

hey, if i haven't gotten over my religous mania, i will surely be terrified with this news... i'll grab my bible and pray until my mumblings and sobs and pleas for protection put me to sleep.

kidding aside, this news is really depressing... they may not celebrate christmas, they are non-Christians but events like this are received quite in the same manner in every nation.

em just thankful the tsunamis did not reach us.

think i'ma offer a prayer for the victims.. that's the least i can do... for now...


Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/27/2004

Sunday, December 26, 2004

all's well that ends well
what to do when the well dries up? dig deeper.

i read that somewhere...

then i come up with this question...

how does one dig deeper? i mean, we're obviously talking about a hypothetical well here, more specifically, a symbolic one... so, yeah, how do i dig deeper? what do i do, how will i do it, what are the tools, where can i find them?

followed by another train of questions...

what if the well is already at its deepest, does that mean i have to find another one and take it as my own or do i dig up for a new one?

if the latter's the case, where can i find a new spot? how can i be sure that the new spot is really for me?

what if i really love the first well, and somehow have developed this deep attachment to it? can i just stay beside it till i wither and die? can i, by any chance, be the one to supply water to my well?

do i really have to ask all these stupid questions?

the real problem here: i ask too many questions. i spend too much time pondering upon these questions instead of coming up with a real solution, one that is feasible, one that would actually work. thus, my life is more complicated that it should be. and it sucks the joy out of living.

oh well... (no pun intended) i'ma play civilization now... it's better than driving myself crazy thinking about these things...

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/26/2004

Thursday, December 23, 2004

ordeal
i just remembered that last year, in december, i had my very first operation. i had a cyst in my right breast which is benign, nothing serious, but still, the doctor had to remove it. i've heard somewhere that cysts like the one i had can be removed using medication instead of an invasive procedure, but conducting a surgical operation brings in big bucks to the doc, so... well, i don't want to say mean things about my doctor, i do owe her, not my life though cuz its a minor operation, but still i owe her one.


anyway, about the operation... it was frightening enough to make me break down and cry like a baby. i promised myself i wouldn't, but the lights, the room, the smell of the sterilizing agent, the plastic gloves, the sting of the needle, the steel pans, and the operating table which all seemed to promise agonizing pain turned my resolution into smoke and ashes. i was given a local anesthetic, but i can still feel them tugging and ripping my flesh. it's still painful, no matter how many times they assured me that it was nothing. and the conversation between the doctor and the nurse (pakiabot mo sa 'kin yung scalpel... ano ba yan, wala man lang taba, puro laman.) was pure psychological torture. they instructed me not to look at the wound because i might freak out, but hearing their words led me to imagine all sorts of things... the scissors cutting through my skin, the open wound, my ribs and blood vessels and muscles all exposed... i was reminded of the frog we dissected in labzoo1, and how much i resembled the poor thing while i was lying there in the operating table. i must have looked pitiful, because the doctor asked me several times if i wanted to be given a stronger anesthetic, one that would make me lose consciousness (i wanted to say 'fall asleep' but the connotation of the phrase gave me goosebumps) and i have to be confined for a day. at first, i declined, but after a few more minutes, the doctor finally decided to give me a stronger anesthetic, maybe because i made her nervous with my whimpers and sobs. then this old man, who was the anesthsiologist, came in and asked me when was my last meal, hooked me up with a bottle of dextrose and gave me the anesthetic. the next thing i know, i was on this harshly bright and cold room and my mother told me the operation was over. i felt a dull ache in my chest, which gradually became more painful as the anesthetic wore off. funny thing was, i had to review, stitches and all, because it was my final exam in organic chemistry the following week.
i'd post a picture of my scar here if it wasn't too vulgar... it still aches sometimes, especially when there is an abrupt change in the weather condition... call me the weather bureau, because i could predict when it's gonna rain.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


i'm a hopeless anti-social. as of the moment, there is a Christmas party outside and all of the neighbors are there having fun... well, i'm here, writing this...


i feel lonely, but i can't do anything about it. i feel cold and alone even when i'm right in the center of a crowd, alienated. i don't know how to belong. i have no social skills. i might as well live in a cave.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/23/2004

Sunday, December 19, 2004

sick of the net
i hate the net.


last term, i had to make so many research projects and reaction papers that going online means only that to me now -school work.
just glad the term is over.


the days when i failed to make entries in my journals were so full of events, that i'll only try to write down here all of the important ones, just for the sake of remembrance.

:: nmat - it was fairly easy, but then again, i'm not expecting a high ranking... i sucked at inductive reasoning... there was this one part, the visual acuity test... it made my head spin. never have i felt the importance of 20/20 vision until that moment when i was looking down on all of those mirror images and intricate patterns. i scolded myself right then and there for not going to the ophthalmologist... my vision is around 75, i think.

:: final exams - fucking parasitology.
i'm like the fat cat who consoled itself that fish is not that delicious after failing to snatch it from a high table (it's a kiddie story... i read it off a book when i was 10). i know i'm an inch from flunking parasitology, so i'm consoling myself, saying that it's not my fault and that grades cannot measure the kind of person you truly are... yeah right.

:: application to st. luke's - uhm... i left my wallet in the registration area... dammit. loved those double cheeseburgers though... and i thank sheena's mom for opening my world to them.


Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/19/2004

Friday, December 10, 2004

kfc
all i know is... the gods are interfering.

i never planned it, i swear, although that doesn't mean i didn't love every minute of it. oh, i'm just so glad that i supressed my cheeseburger mood and dragged ferli and sheena to mcdo... weheheh... we ate at kfc...

he was there. talking and laughing and eating and smiling and talking some more. not to me of course, we were about 4 tables away. but by god! the exhiliration of it! i saw a more human side of him! its so much different from the silent academic demigod that he portrays most of the time. so there, that was the most fulfulling meal ever.

he went to um afterwards. we went there too because rr was there, making her project. take note, i did not follow him. our journey there was purely out of necessity. and besides, he went to the 2nd floor, we stayed on the 1st.

then, as we were walking back to dlsu, we stopped because we encountered raisa and paolo along the way. and again, the hands of the gods worked, i know it because he was there, right behind us... almost as if he's stalking me... wehehehe.

wish i could relive those moments.

:::::minor details of this day::::

- got application form for UE. thanx raf!
- eaf distribution.... cell bio dissolved
- sat in ms. jane's labphys class and watched presentation
- should've reported in filipi today, but sir wasn't in the mood. hmph!
- dr. dery smiled at me... twice!
- dr. puno smiled at me... twice!
- photocopied stuff for michelle
- went home
- watched spongebob
- fell asleep
- ate dinner
- made report for emyolab
- now, am typing this trash

and that's about it.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/10/2004

Monday, December 06, 2004

my girlish side
a couple of days ago, i changed the look of my blog - partly out of jealousy of emperor daigo's rhinoplasty, and partly due to the need to escape from school work. the inspiration came from the Christmas tree at the display window of designer blooms (can't remember which branch)... the one that is bound to end up in barbie's pad... the one which looked like a very happy and very gay person would design in a sudden and intense flux of tasteless whim and imagination. yeah, it was so flamboyant, kinda like terracotta's costume, lito atienza's hawaiian shirts and bayani fernando's pink urinals, that it took me several minutes to figure out it was a Christmas tree. i had to suppress my laughter, since i was alone... (after being caught speaking to myself while smirking, i can't be caught laughing alone... it will confirm the popular belief that i am indeed a lunatic. can't let that happen now.) it was so sparkly and colorful, it was nauseous to look at it during the first few minutes... then lo and behold, i developed a liking for it. i actually enjoyed looking at it and examining the datails (and boy, there was many of them) of the tree. it reminded me of how i have come to like those novelty songs after complaining about the promiscuous lines and tactless messages. talk about irony. so there... my pink and periwinkle layout.


i like to think that this is my way of standing up for the welfare of all the gay people out there. but no, i was just inspired by a Christmas tree.


i just remembered... i only have 2 weeks of school... haaay... i wish those two weeks would pass by faster. i need a break. terribly.


now, how do i find the fastforward button.


++++++++++++++++++++++

this one's for sulfur
i've just one wish on this Christmas eve... it's spending it with you...

++++++++++++++++++++++

nostalgia

nais kong balikan
ang enero ng taong 2004
kung kailan ka unang naganap
kung kailan ang layo nating dalawa
ay kayang saklawin ng isang bulong,
at ang hanging lumalabas sa iyong mga labi
ay siyang hanging nilalanghap ng aking bibig
at bumubuhay sa aking kaluluwa.
bawat himaymay ng alaalang iyon
ay pinipilit kong balikan
at tuwing sasapitin ko na ito
ay manunumbalik sa isipan
ang masaklap na katotohanang
hindi mo na ako kilala.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/06/2004

Sunday, December 05, 2004

marahil ito talaga ang ibig-sabihin ng mga katagang "survival of the fittest"
In all of the years i've spent studying, interspersed only by short periods of so-called vacation, i've learned that in this endeavor, mental stress is not your sole enemy. it also includes balancing psychological well-being, and your physical state. damn, it's so hard to maintain a balance of these three entities, especially when they simultaneously pull hard from all directions, and you can't decide what to face first.

for instance, as of the present, i have two reports, 3 papers, and 3 exams to face up to, but i can't prepare for them because i feel burnt out, i mean physically and psychologically. i feel so weak and insufficient, mainly due to awareness that life is not fair, and to criticisms which led to the realization that i'm not good enough. the urge to just go to a corner and cry cannot be gratified, because i know i just can't. i have to finish all of these things...

my mother is right, i have low eq. maybe i should've gone to meditation/yoga classes, because i really need to clear my mind from clutter brought about by emotional encounters.

never did it occur to me that my time management skills would someday fail.

would i get through this?

i have to.

gotta set my priorities.

one good thing i learned from this situation:

i am human. i thought i was a perfect entity (yes, i'm so self-absorbed that i went as far as believing that i was perfect... wehehehe)... well, i was not. and it's a good thing because i no longer have to live up to people's expectations. i will live and grow at my own pace.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i closed my eyes and transported myself to a world of utter bliss...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

upon waking up, i immediately connected to the net and checked my mail via ym... em on invisible mode of course. i always am. so this guy, whom i think i've hurt, well, he's got this status message that contains the words "bitch", "bleeding", and "inside", kinda like a line from an emo song. (sure hope he's not reading this.... wehehehe...) oh well, i felt kinda bad, but as i've said, i won't apologize.. em not the type who bends and admits. so what if i've been a heartless bitch? someone's bound to play the part anyway, and the someone turned out to be me. wehehehe.. the most i can do is not to repeat the deed, but this i cannot vow to do, cuz i'm such a pig head.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/05/2004

Saturday, December 04, 2004

blah
guess i'll be sleeping all day on the 25th... hate that day... i've nothing against people who celebrate Christmas... it's just that i never, even for once, felt the so-called Christmas spirit... i'm thinking it's overrated and overly commercialized...

i like new year's eve better.

my new year's resolution:
1. be more understanding and considerate
for years, i've been a selfish brat... everything's all about me me me... how can i help it? i'm the unica hija... and my folks spoil me to no ends... everytime i want something and they refuse, throwing tantrums always does the trick. it has become sort of a habit, y'know... but now, i'm getting way too old for that... gotta be more... mature... (that word scares me).. yeah, i'll try to see things from other people's perspectives...

2. try to control my temper
for health reasons...
hypertension runs in the family.

3. refrain from eating too much
said this before... i'm getting fat... plus, my lola's got diabetes, so it also runs in the family... if i won't be careful with what i eat, i might die early.

4. spend wisely
goodbye impulse buying

5. exercise regularly
same reasons as 2 and 3

6. stop obsessing over other people's lives, and start living my own
time's bound to run out.

7. stop being so melodramatic
the lachrymal gland's about to go kaboom

++++++++++++

heard this somewhere...

"nothing can lessen the power of a dream..."

aww... wish i could believe that.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/04/2004

Friday, December 03, 2004

____
bite me.

i'm one girl who never learns.

the realization came a wee bit too late.

i'm one lost girl.

just read something that made me realize how cold and ruthless i was in dealing with people. i was downright mean... now i feel guilty, but my pride won't let me apologize. panindigan ko na lang. oo, masama talaga ugali ko. i was never good at saying sorry. heck, i was never good at anything.

so bite me.

i live in a daze, in a flurry of details that are lost even before i can make something of them, even before i could grasp their meaning, their significance. i was much too bored to bother anyway.

i live in a disillusioned state; my world is made up of unfounded truths and worthless facts. now that my world is falling apart, i have nowhere else to go.

people said that we should surround ourselves with positive things; to look for the good out of every situation; to nurture beautiful ideas; yada yada yada. don't know what to believe.

classes were suspended for two consecutive days. should've used those days to catch up with school stuff. hah! i caught up with sleep. feels good.

i know i sound like an inconsiderate brat, celebrating while the storm yoyong (international name, nanmodol) is raging and causing havoc in other parts of the country... but heck, we barely felt the effect of yoyong in our place... and suspension of classes gave me time to recharge...

just a question... who gives storms their international names?

human beings are so vulnerable in the midst of nature's wrath.

it made me realize how dependent we are on the conveniences brought about by modern technology.

for instance, strong winds cut off the power supply. i got pissed off because i wasn't able to watch lovers in paris.

bite me.

for being a mushy, cruel little horror.

am i making any sense?

no. i never thought so.

these are semi-random thoughts.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at12/03/2004