Saturday, October 23, 2004

creative energy... all gone...
i'm bankcrupt again... how could i not be, when i chanced upon this bookstore which sells classics at 15 pesos a piece? i have about 20 books now which i bought from a book sale and i haven't gotten down to reading yet (how could i when i could barely finish my readings in school?)... but heck, they're classics... i could read them anythime i want cuz they won't be outdated.


books:
lord of the flies
tess of d'urbervilles
don quixote
of mice and men
*several other books... i think i've lost some of them.


my psychological state is on the brink of collapse... yet again.


my education is ruining me.


three tests... all major subjects... san ka pa?


parasitology was a joke. i read the book! i relished all the words! i let myself be immersed... but when i saw the questions, the amswers were all in my notes... my effort was futile. all that was needed was to read my notes. and i didn't. that was the problem! i didn't study my notes!


i wouldn't even try to put into words the emyolab and physiology exam. all i need to say is that i should have spent my time studying for these subjects instead of reading in parasitology.


all the terms are still swimming in my head... their meanings, still not clear...

and the semester's far from over...


i am a failure.



lighter side of things:


my cousin's baby is with us... he's a darling... now, i know myself, and i know that responsibility is not one of my strongest traits... but he could bring out the caring and mature person in me. funny how being with someone who is weaker than you makes you find the strength and the initiative to care and to protect.... he's so precious. i don't mind him disturbing my sleep with his cries in the middle of the night... i don't blame him for not letting me review for my exams... his innocence is a source of joy for me... i just want to sit by his side and watch every smile, blubber, diaper change, bath, suckling, every single movement, no matter how small... i want to hold him, even when i get drenched from his saliva... (intsik beho, tulo laway)... i want things to stay this way...


i suddenly want a baby brother.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/23/2004

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

sasakyan kita.... basta sasakyan mo rin ako
i luv those novelty songs with double meaning... i dance to them in front of the mirror when i'm alone... nyak nyak nyak...


before you judge me as cheap, lemme explain... i've been going through hell this past few weeks... my attitude problem is catching up with me... and school has been... blah! been through some heavy stuff, really... have to unwind... have to be shallow for a change... or else, i'll lose my sanity...


have to face dr. claveria again tomorrow... hmm.... may she be kind enough to cushion the blow...


my life for the next few weeks
++ research paper in philhis
++ research paper in paralec
++ report in emyolab
++ report in labphys
++ quiz in philhis
++ long exam in emyolab
++ long exam in embryon
++ long exam in physio
++ long exam in paralec
++ puerto galera, hopefully
++ nmat
++ med school application
++ thesis defense
++ sleepover at rr's place in bulacan, after the defense
++ videoke... novelty songs!!!!!


at least i feel alive... and i'm experiencing how it is to be a real college student...

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/12/2004 another one of my crappy poems
The Pith


never stopping
to feel
the abominable emotion
pity
else i'll never finish.


i just kept on
digging
with the needle
piercing
into its warm warty back.


the creature shamelessly
writhing
in pain; it should have been
nauseating
to watch, still, i wouldn't stop.


feeling its full body
pulsing
in my small hand; the life
melting
away into the unknown.

and the creature lay still...

oh how a great doctor i will be....




+++++++++++

i'm quite sure every biology student will understand...


Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/12/2004

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Jose Garcia Villa
i "met" this guy in my litera1 class... i've bumped into him a couple of times in high school and elementary, but those are casual encounters, and he failed to catch my attention... but i've matured, and my likings for deeper things have developed... this man, whom i never really get to know in person, is now my spiritual companion... i love his poems...

i forgot the url of the sites where i got these poems... uh-oh...

I speak this poem tenderly
It being for you
And
For you only - We were not
Afraid and we did take love
Gorgeously.
We had no fears.
We knew love we knew it and
We were dancers for it
And also
We were rivers, we were moonlight
And also we were winds
As also
We were gods. And all this
Is remembrance, and all this
Is desire.
But also it is love.

AND IF THE HEART CANNOT LOVE
Jose Garcia Villa

And if the heart can not love

death can not cure it nor sleep

no splendor of wound the heart

had no sound

Bloom has escaped it and

birth the miraculous flower

and music and speech

leave it unbewitched

God it can not spell nor sun

nor lover the beautiful word

and it has no sound no sound

nor wound

Lyric 17

I can no more hear Love’s

Voice. No more moves

The mouth of her. Birds

No more sing. Words

I speak return lonely.

Flowers I pick turn ghostly.

Fire that I burn glows

Pale. No more blows

The wind. Time tells

No more truth. Bells

Ring no more in me.

I am all alone singly.

Lonely rests my head.

-O my God! I am dead.

and this is my favorite... since i recited this one in front of the class...

Mostly are we mostless

and neverness is all we become

The Heart is heartless

The tiger is tigerless

Dig up time like a tiger

Dig up the beautiful grave

The grave is graveless

And God is godless

I saw myself reflected

in the great eye of the grave

I saw God helpless

and headless there

Until I put my head on him

Then he uprose - Superb!

He took the body of me

And crumpled me to immortality.

i think i might have screwed up some of the lines... oh great Villa, forgive me for this... i still love your poems...

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/10/2004

Saturday, October 09, 2004

puerto galera

Hands

Forever a loner

Forever clad in black

Forever I'll be mesmerized

By your skillful and deceitful hands.

From your arms so sinewy

To your fingers, long and bony

Your hands can easily weave

Astonishing works of fantasy.

Your standing on a dais

I am one with the crowd

As you do your tricks

I stand in solemn awe afar.

Miserably

I will those hands

To come to me

And ease my agony

I wish to end

Your lengthy solitude

If only you would let me.

Then again

October 5 / 9:45

October 7 / 9:50

This is the closest

I will ever get

For you are a mere illusion

Of my ever playful imagination.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/09/2004

Friday, October 08, 2004

snippets from this week...

i have nothing to write about since these past few days had been a mere flurry of school stuff. just glad it's a weekend and i can relax...

dr. dery is in proudly lasalllian! aww... i so love that man... too bad we do not belong to the same era... obstacles... why is life being such a jackass? i doubt i can find a man of that quality in my generation...

we pithed frogs for our experiment in labphys... i'm starting to think that this is not an acceptable preparatory course for med school... it takes out the compassion of us biology students on living things...

just learned from one of my friends that sulfur is not just a superbeing especially made for academic excellence after all... he performs magic tricks! oohh... that may be an explanation for the air of mystery that's always surrounding him... anyway, i'm excited to go with them in their filed trip in puerto galera... just have to figure out where to get the cash... argh... anything to make him mine...

my bank account's in danger of closing down on me again... i'm scared... really...

we experienced the deluge in the lab... i forgot to turn off the faucet and the aquarium overflowed... nyahahahaha...

abi's so naive... she haven't eaten puto bumbong all her life... pity...

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/08/2004

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

mad and ready to scream... with rogue singing in the background

How pathetic of me
To be spending my time
Writing line after every line
And finding solace temporarily
In each of the tasteless words.

How very disgraceful it is
To adamantly seek
For frivolous pleasures
And run away from the pressure
Of staring at life in the face.

How completely pitiful it is
To hide under a pretense
Of perfect and absolute
Utterly unconquerable
Equilibirum

When I know full well
I am broken
And is beyond repair.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/05/2004

Monday, October 04, 2004

you cannot guess how painful it is...

The Chick

I am willfully

Scrutinizing you

Memorizing every part

Every detail

Every nook

Every curve

And every line

Of your exquisite body

Just developing

Never fully ripe

Yet taken from the vine

And presented to me

In all of your budding glory.

You make my head ache

And my eyes water

As I look intently

Upon your beauty

Yet I cannot break

My expressive stare

For fear that I will lose you

And be eluded

By the wisdom you impart

To those who patiently

Examines your being.

You are my escape

My saving grace

You lend me a period

Of wonderful latency

You make me forget

Even for just a while

About the piercing pain

Of love's betrayal.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/04/2004

Sunday, October 03, 2004

lasaret

retreat... it's supposed to be a time when you can exhale, you know... it's supposed to be a chance to release all of the excess baggage you have accumulated throughout the years... well, no, that did not happen to me... our retreat produced more bad that good... and i'm not in the mood to elaborate.

plot: a woman who is shopping for accesories... finds a genuine pearl... rejects it... sees a fake sparkly diamond and grabs it, pays for it, puts it on and feels damn happy about it.

para kay potassium: wala kang b---g na maipagmamalaki!

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/03/2004

Friday, October 01, 2004

the nail

things are happening around me and i'm not fully aware of them... i'm a mere spectator again...

++ dlsu is the over all champion of the uaap season 67(?)... i honestly felt bad for feu... they did give their best... oh well...

++ surprise surprise... we still had to go to school... still had to face the exam in embryo... still had to go through the same whole routine called life.

++ maybe the good vibes i incurred after the exam in embryo were enough for this day... i had enough buffer to resist the bad vibes being exuded by dr. claveria.... yeah, we had to face her again... and yes, she spewed hurtful words at us... and i had to feel the full blow of all of those words as they go on pulverizing what pride was left in me after the last encounter with the woman... the things i do for academic excellence... wehehehe... see, i can still joke about the whole thing.

++ things she said:
i felt like a trashbin... sana i-sobre nyo man lang pero hindi... ipinasa nyo lang sa kin ng ganito... wala pang pangalan kelangan ko pang hanapin... konting respeto naman... i was so disappointed... ang gagaling nyo pa naman, yung isa pa sa inyo dean's lister (sapul sakin 'to)...

== these words will forever remain in the inner recesses of my mind... always reminding me of my incompetence and my worth, or rather the lack of it, as a person... and i will never forget the one woman whom i failed to gain approval from, much more impress, in my stay in the university. i'll see her always as an insurmountable challenge... someone who always makes me feel insufficient and insecure. that is the impression she has left upon me.

++ she told us to pass the revised results and discussion on monday... on monday! and we have lasaret throughout the weekend.... i hope God will lend us the wisdom and the perseverance to finish it.

++ deadline for passing the nmat form is on wednesday... bakit parang alon kung dumating ang mga problema?

may kailangan akong gawin....
natatakot ako...
sana pwede akong tumakbo...
sana hindi nila ko makita...
dahil gusto ko nang sumuko...
kelangan ko nang tapusin...
pero... wala... wala... ayoko na...

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at10/01/2004