Morbid indulgence

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The occupants of bed 1, Room 406 are having a pray over. I am feeling queasy about this. It feels so odd to hear these people utter words of of faith and encouragement, though I've shared that faith just a few years back. I marvel at the plasticity of my personhood, how much I've changed with time. I can no longer imagine myself in that light, quivering with emotion and belief that seems to fill up the emptiness and monotony of human existence. Now I'm terribly bored with my life. I wonder if I was better off like that, just believing, never questioning. Yet I do not want that kind of blind faith. I want to be in control of myself. I want to be the captain of my own soul. I am not refuting the existence of a God. I just do not want to submit myself wholly into the hands of an unseen being. I think He will understand. Afterall, He was the one who put me here with the capaticity to think and decide for myself. I'm just taking my time. Besides, who wants a blind follower?

I want my belief to be the product of intellectual deliberation, not desperation. Is that thing possible? It seems to me that the only people that seek God for help are those who are really in the lowest of the low, those who can no longer find it in themselves to fight against adversity. Even the scriptures support that. I myself am guilty of that. Maybe it hurts God to see that people remember Him only when they are in need, and forget Him once the need has been supplied.

For this reason do I refuse to go back. People may call it pride, I call it shame springing from reverence. It is not fitting to face Him with nothing but a mediocre life and messed up thoughts. When I go back, I want it to be the result of long periods of musings and finally discovering that God is the X of my life's equation, the LAW that would explain all...

6:15 pm

Bed 1, Room 406 is at it again. This time however, the prayer group is larger and their prayer longer and louder. I am not one to blaspheme against their faith -- I respect Christianity to no ends -- yet I cannot help but have adverse reaction about this. Whereas earlier I was squemish, now I am downright pissed off and a little scared. Now their prayer is peppered with songs and chants (sort of like speaking of the tongue, if you have read the New Testament).

Haven't they read the hospital rules posted at the door? It clearly states "Keep your voice at a moderate tone." The nerve of this people. I don't really hold it against them when they were praying there, but now they have totally transformed the hospital roon into a hall for religous gathering. You can always count on this Born Again people to turn everything into a praise and worship session. I know all of you have had experiences of being approached by a Born Again Christian and be preached upon about your transgressions and the afterlife and how unworthy you are yada yada yada.

Sana ilagay sa lugar.

Maybe I should tell them off. But I guess that would make me the devil in their eyes. Oh shucks. I cannot imagine spending three weeks with these people. They are so loud. Geesh.

Religion always has this element of self-righteousness, don't you think? I mean, I know that humility is one of the virtues being taught to them, but I can always feel this domineering aura whenever I am around religous people, like they have it in their minds that they are always better than the rest of humanity and that their religion is the best.

Man, I hate religous affiliations.

Please make them keep their religion to themselves.

** Looking back, I realize that the 6:15 post roots from displaced emotions. I was feeling sad and then these people came along and I feel jealous because there was so many of them and there are only the two of us (my father and myself) in the other side of the room and I began to indulge in self-pity and I feel disgusted at myself and blamed this people for making me feel this way.

Pero maingay pa rin sila.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at3/19/2006