Morbid indulgence

Sunday, April 16, 2006

I have lost track of time in what could only be described as a mind-numbing bustle of activity in the lopez family and villeno clan (my mother's half of the family).

Let's see... there was the major family crisis -- that of my father undergoing an operation. My, my, what an ordeal... I got to be an errand girl, personal nurse, assistant, semi-cook (pagluluto naman ang pagsasaing di ba?), and house help up to this very moment. Not that I'm complaining, this whole ordeal got my life going. It made me realign my priorities. It's nice to live for others and not think about myself all of the time. Still miss my old life though... lounging all day at the couch... watching cartoons until my mind goes on static... go to a moviehouse once or twice a week... yeah, that was fun. Guess I have to grow up too.

This experience also led to this realization -- that when you are in the middle of the problem, you find the strength to do what you are supposed to do. I was just really amazed at how brave I was at that time. I didn't shed a tear during the whole time my father was in the hospital (I did before my father was hospitalized, when after months of abandoning faith, I returned to the church and just let it all out). Comprehension of this phenomenon is still beyond ny understanding (i think it was a combination of my faith, the finals and the errands I have to do that prevented me from feeling weak), but I think this shows that only idle minds indulge in self-pity. From now on, as long as I can find something that is within my capacity to improve, I will do my utmost best and give it my best shot.

Then there is the death of one of my titos (my mother's brother). He got a burst intestine or something, the contents spilling into the abdominal cavity (specifically the peritoneum) which led to the destruction of his "lapay" (this is the spleen, right?) and kidney failure. (from what my mother told me... didn't get to take hold of the real story. It sucks to listen to second-hand accounts.)

So he died... We didn't get the chance to be tight, so this did not conjure any strong emotional outbursts from me... just a vague sense of disbelief and sadness which I am sure comes to all of us when we heard someone we know had died. I still can't bring myself to believe his demise. Sure I was present at his funeral, I've seen him inside the coffin, seen that same coffin be brought to the church, then the cemetery, and then finally to the grave. I was even present in the "pasiyam" yet still, the thought of not seeing him again is just so unreal. The Law of Thermodynamics teaches us the energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Where does the dead's life force go then? (just a question.. i'm not about to go and serve arguments about the existence of the soul and the afterlife.. I am not too sure whether I believe that myself...)

What I want to point out in this relatively long post is that trying times could make us age years in a span of weeks. These bustle of activity has made me go out of my cocoon of taciturnity and care for the people aound me. It made me GROW UP (something I have dreamed about for these past few months but was too lazy to accomplish). Sure, I still have lots of growing up to do in order to catch up to my real age (my growth has been stunted for far too long), but it's a start.

Morbid Indulgencestarted this journey at4/16/2006